The Easiest Way to Stop Being Mean to Yourself
SUBSCRIBE HERE:
+ Everywhere else you listen to podcasts
Episode Summary:
In this episode, I’m sharing the story of a recent small moment that led to a big realization. It started with a simple question from our nanny: “Why don’t you get a vanity?” What felt like a simple suggestion turned into a deeper reflection on life and business.
I’m diving into a life-changing concept I learned in grad school—unconditional positive regard—and I’m flipping it on its head. I’m not just talking about how we need to apply it to clients but how we need to apply it to ourselves and how you’re probably being way meaner to yourself than you need to be (because you’re trying to motivate yourself). But what if being kind and curious can take us further?
Topics and Strategies Discussed:
My story of going from doing makeup on the floor to creating space for self-care
The life-changing concept of unconditional positive regard
How this concept can shift your approach life and business
How we often deny ourselves the opportunity to fully enjoy the resources we have
The shift from self-criticism to self-compassion (and how to make it)
Practical ways to embrace more kindness, curiosity, and calm in your daily routine
Episode Resources:
Take my free CEO Assessment for my favorite simple reflection questions. This is also the no-obligation application for the Sell with Heart Mastermind. Complete the 10-min app/reflection to receive my personal feedback.
Get access to my free Private Podcast: Financially Stable & Free: 6 Pillars to 6-Figure Success with Soft, Heart-Centered Energy.
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google | Stitcher
-
Anna (00:06):
Welcome to the Heart-Centered Entrepreneur podcast. I want you to be rich. Yes, I want abundant financial success for your business, but I don't just care about your business making money. I care about you too. I want you to be rich and happiness and the impact you make in your relationships and in how you give back. I'm Anna. I built my six figure business as a side hustle while I was pregnant with my daughter in 2016. Now I've helped dozens of women do the same. I'm here to help you build a profitable heart-centered fully book business with the latest tips on sales and visibility with proven mindset hacks and sneak peeks behind the scenes with what's working right now in the online space and in my business ready to make more money with heart. Let's go.
Anna (00:50):
Okay. Today's podcast episode is two things together that don't make a lot of sense, but I really feel called to share with you. So I know someone out there listening is gonna be like, oh my God, this is exactly what I needed. 'cause I know when I share from my heart and my intuition, it always is the right path. And maybe one, someone needs to hear this out there. Maybe you're in the middle of a big decision and just remembering when you go with your heart or your gut, you can always trust that. You can always trust yourself and you'll either make the right decision or I've done this before where I've made the wrong one. But then at least I have data to know to turn back around and be like, I changed your mind. Right? Give yourself so much grace. Okay, two things I wanna talk about are unconditional positive regard.
Anna (01:30):
And this is a concept I learned in grad school during my master's and it really changed the game for number one, how I experience life, but how I get quick results for myself and my business in life. But also I apply this notion, this concept, this research theory to all of my clients. And I find it helps them succeed so much faster. So if you are someone that works with clients, this is a great one to apply to your clients or to yourself. The other thing I wanna talk about is something new I added to my house. You guys know that about a year ago I bought a house. I'm so, so thankful for it here in Southern California and I this, this was a decision I was really on the fence on. I messaged my coach and went back and forth. Honestly, every decision I make, I don't love change.
Anna (02:19):
So when it came to buying this house, when it came to buying my Tesla, like I was just back and forth and back and forth and I really like to think things through, which is why I think I don't mind when women have objections or questions when it comes to like working with me as a coach. 'cause I'm like, I get it. I have questions too. Like I'm a savvy buyer, right? Anyway, I wanna talk about something that I added recently to my house and it is a vanity in the corner of my bedroom and how it's really kind of shocked me how monumental it's been to add this corner to my room. So I wanna dive into that too. I'm a big fan of, you know, ever since I bought the house, I've been doing different house projects. Is anyone else in their house?
Anna (03:00):
Project era. In a few weeks I am having painters come and paint the whole inside of my house. It started with just my bedroom, but I'm like, you know what? While we're at it, let's paint the whole inside of the house. So, so thankful for the funds to be able to do that and to create my dream space. I think buying this house has brought me so much stability and peace, just having a place that's our own. I'm just so grateful for it. Okay, so we're gonna talk about the vanity and talk about the concept, unconditional positive regard. Okay, we'll see if I can find a way to tie it together and if I can't, it's okay. You know, it's okay. So the concept, unconditional positive regard is this idea that when we work with a client, we believe that they're trying their best. We believe they're doing their best with the resources they have with the information they have.
Anna (03:52):
Maybe with the childhood trauma they have, like whatever they're doing, it's their best. Even if he doesn't look like it, even if it doesn't feel like it, even if we're like, no, they're being lazy, or no, they're half-assing it or no, like whatever our judgment is, number one, our judgments probably aren't true, but number two, even if they were true, the best way we can get someone results is when we assume that they're trying their best. This may be something natural to you. I'm fairly positive for persons, so it comes somewhat naturally to me. But a lot of my clients that are coaches have to retrain themselves in this. Especially if there's someone that you grew up and it wasn't a necessarily positive environment, maybe it was pretty perfectionistic or harsh, you may have a hard time believing I am doing the best I can.
Anna (04:45):
You may believe I could be doing better, I'm lazy if only I were more motivated. If I a more motivated at following or more we're more organized. If our self-talk is harsh, it's going to be easier to be harsh to the world around us. Be judgemental to the world around us, right? And so I just think this is such a useful conversation. Suspending disbelief, right? And so either it is true they are trying their best, but even if they're not trying their best, it's still most useful for me to approach them as if they were right, because then we can get to the meat of something that's going to to change, right? So let me have an example of this. Let's say I have a client come to me and I'm working with her on something quote simple like posting on Instagram, right? And maybe it's been like three or four weeks and it's been her action item to post on Instagram and she's still not doing it right?
Anna (05:38):
If I were to not come from unconditional positive regard, I may say something like, why is she so stubborn? Or why is she have such a big ego, right? That she can't humble herself to do this. Like why is she not prioritizing her time? Well, why is she lazy? Why is she, you know, what's wrong with her? <Laugh>? Essentially, how often have we said those things that we would never say that to a client, right? But you may have said something like that to yourself this week. Why can't I exercise? Why can't I organize myself better? How did I get myself in debt? Why haven't I signed another client? What's wrong with me? Oh my goodness, those are such hard words. We're so unkind to ourselves, right? Coming at it with unconditional positive regard would be okay, getting curious what, what's the reason we know it's not because she's not smart, we know it's not because she's not a hard worker.
Anna (06:30):
We know it's not because she doesn't want want, she wants it, right? Wants. So what is it like, I might get curious, I might say to the client like, tell me more about it. Like tell me the reason why. Or is there a fear there? Like, we're smart people, we're brilliant women, right? We usually wanna be safe. So really asking yourself like what, what feels unsafe about this? Where are we trying to protect ourself? Right? Where are we trying to protect someone else? Where do we feel like doing this thing might harm others, might harm ourself, right? Getting really curious, and this is where I'm a big fan of sometimes, like just taking action and our mindset will catch up, but sometimes if we're not taking action, we're not taking the result, we need to pause and ask ourself those mindset questions around like, why am I doing that?
Anna (07:16):
Maybe you take out a piece of paper right now, something that you feel like you've been working towards, that you're not getting the results as fast as you want, or it's feeling really hard asking yourself like, what am I afraid of? What am I nervous about? Where am I self protecting myself? Where am I protecting others? I find a lot of heart-centered entrepreneurs. A lot of times it's self-sabotaging and the, the sense of wanting to protect other people around them. For me, I was like, I don't wanna start my business and hurt my kids. Like I don't wanna be a bad mom. I don't wanna be a bad partner, right? I don't want to sell to these clients and then let my clients down. Really getting clear on there's a good reason that I'm doing this even if it looks like I'm lazy or on blah blah, blah.
Anna (08:01):
What, what if there is an actual legitimate reason and how can I get to that? How can I use curiosity and self-compassion and assume that I'm trying my best, but there's something there that I'm doing from a good place, not from a bad place, but I, I'm doing this from a good place, right? I am scared to get visible because what if I post something online at it offends someone or hurt someone's feelings, right? What if I post something online and I get fired from my job, right? Like affirm this right now there's a good reason that I'm stuck, right? It might be a subconscious reason, it might not be a reason I like, but there's a good reason that I made that decision. This has been very hard for me in my healing journey around some of the decisions I made early in my life that I feel like affect me today.
Anna (08:49):
I have been very judgmental on myself and I remember telling my therapist like, I can't believe that I did that. Or I can't believe I stayed in that situation. Like why didn't I leave earlier? And I really had to extend this unconditional positive regard to myself. I'll probably cry but believe that the 18-year-old version of me did the best she could with the information she had. And I believe there's some of you in business right now that are stuck because there's a past version of you that you have not forgiven. There's a past version of you that you're so hard on, right? Instead of what if you believed that past version of you was doing the best with what she had with the information at the time it made sense and she was doing what made the most sense to her. Just like right now you're doing the best you can with what you have.
Anna (09:39):
And I know this is a simple concept, but I feel like it's so groundbreaking because as soon as we release that judgment, then we can actually put our brain power to solving the problem and getting the result right? Then if you stop beating yourself up for trying to be lazy and be more motivated, you can actually get to that thing that's holding you back. Hold that with loving light energy and solve it, right? Oh, you know, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I'm nervous that I might post something and be judged for it. Okay? What do I feel about being judged? You know, what would happen? Like we can actually get to the meat of the issue instead of staying at these really surface judgements that are almost never true, whether it's with a client or whether it's with yourself. So give yourself that grace.
Anna (10:23):
Give yourself that space right down the biggest block you have right now and really get curious on what's the reason I'm not doing this thing or not getting the result that actually makes sense, right? You are, you aren't some, like I tell my clients all like you're not really someone who is lazy. You're obviously have paid for a coach and are trying, you're trying your best, right? You are motivated. And I just, it's almost like a lot of therapists will use the word like resistance and other therapists don't believe in the word resistance, right? Like is someone being resistant or is someone pushing back for a very good reason? Usually fear-based, self-protective, right? We're, we're trying our best. You are trying your best. And if you were my daughter, I would hold you if you were stuck on something and I would say something like, oh I'm, I'm so sorry that this thing is hard and frustrating for you, but I can tell you're trying your best and I know you're a smart little girl and I know you're gonna get through this and I know you're gonna figure this out.
Anna (11:26):
I believe in you. I believe in you. One of my mentors in college told me something so powerful and she said, Anna, even in the moments that you don't have faith in something you're feeling stuck in, borrow my faith, use my faith. And that was so nice for me. I think like as a hyper independent woman, I forget that like we need community. We need other people to sometimes believe in us, believe in our dream, even we've, when we've lost hope and faith in it. Okay, next concept I wanna talk about is, you guys know last year I added a little meditation corner to my bedroom for a season when I was saving up for my house, my kids and I rented this very tiny studio apartment. So when we bought this house, oh my goodness, it felt so big and I had this bedroom all to myself.
Anna (12:11):
So I set up this little meditation corner and I don't sit it for very long, just a few minutes sometimes, but I just have a little corner where I have my little essential oils. I'm an active meditator <laugh>, I like to do things. So I have my affirmation cards, I have a little book that's important to me. I have a little one minute timer so I can set that and take some breaths for a minute and look out at my little tree. Have my hummingbird feeder now there. So I try to lure hummingbirds 'cause I love to see them. But anyway, that corner has been so meaningful to me in the last year and recently I added another corner and it's my vanity, which isn't that interesting that a vanity is basically like a little area you can like do your hair and makeup, right?
Anna (12:54):
Like a little desk or whatever. But isn't that interesting that the word vanity, like it implies for me has like a negative connotation, right? And I didn't grow up in a household where it was very much like you, like looks weren't weren't a thing. Like I remember even like looking in the mirror and it was like, hey, stop looking at yourself in the mirror so much. It just the outward appearance, I really wasn't allowed to wear makeup or wear tight clothes or anything like that, which is fine, but it just was a world I didn't have awareness of. And so I remember going to college and my roommates, you know, it's like a tiny dorm room you were with three other girls like would spend like 20, 30, 40, 50 minutes on their hair and makeup. And I was like, wow, were they allowed to do that? To like look at themselves in the mirror And like, you know, and I remember going to American Eagle and buying jeans and a shirt that wore sized small 'cause I was really encouraged to wear like a little bit more like oversized clothes growing up and like I bought clothes that like really fit my body and I felt powerful <laugh>, I just felt so interesting to me.
Anna (13:54):
And so even in my thirties, I'm 36 now, it's been an interesting era as a woman of exploring my body and style and clothing. I just still feel like I'm learning to put on makeup and it's just always kind of been like a second thought for me and or I've had like a lot of judgements around it for myself. But anyway, I have a smaller house. So we have a small bathroom. So I put my makeup in these like little caddies and I have it in my closet. So I would sit on my floor and on my mirrored closet doors I'd sit and do my makeup and our amazing nanny saw how you doing that? She's amazing. And she was like, Anna, what are you doing? Like why are you doing your makeup on the floor? And I was like, oh, it's because our bathroom is tiny.
Anna (14:35):
And she was like, Anna, why don't you get a vanity? I'm like, oh no, I'm never gonna get a vanity, right? Like I said, notice so many things. I told my friend Devin when she was helping me design her house, I don't need a queen-sized bed. Like I'm fine with my twin sized bed. Oh my gosh, I love having a queen-sized bed now you guys. So anyway, I was like, oh, I'm not gonna get a vanity. Anyway, obviously after she left I was like, why am I doing my makeup on the floor? Why don't I get a vanity? Right? Like I'm a, I'm someone that I think life has taught me. Like never say never, you know, just try things. So I'm like, you know what? What if I buy a cheap little desk and try it? Right? I was like, I don't want it to take up space in my room, but I'm like, I'm gonna try it.
Anna (15:16):
If I hate it after 30 days I can get rid of the desk. It's not that big of a deal, right? So it's kind of like, hmm, we'll see, bought a really simple desk, went to target, bought a little mirror immediately I sit down at the vanity and start crying <laugh>. And I just realize like, wow, like Anna, I have the space. Like I have this house, I have the space for me to be able to have this space and have the time. You know, anyone with small kids knows that. Like it's very consuming. But now that my kids are a little bit older, they're seven and nine, I have time when they're in school, not just to work but I have time for me. You guys know I love working Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Monday, Fridays are kind of my like unproductive days where I can like just do whatever I want, take a dance class to be on the internet.
Anna (16:06):
Like just people think like you have to be super pr like you can, my, one of my clients the other day was like, oh I feel bad. I watch Netflix all day on my day off. I'm like, that's what a day off is for literally like no guilt, right? Anyway, what was I saying? I don't even remember. It was just realizing that like I can have this energetic physical space to look at myself in the mirror and take my time to do my makeup. I remember when my kids are small it felt like such the luxury to take a long shower, you know? And I think a lot of my life has been really like a lot of challenges and so it just felt like a first circle moment to not just have the house but now I'm actually enjoying the house, right? It's one thing to create money, it's another thing to enjoy your money.
Anna (16:56):
It's one thing to create free time for yourself. It's another thing to enjoy that free time. So many of my clients that have multi-six figure businesses, I really work with them on this. Not just creating the money but enjoying the money and spending the money. Not just creating the time and freedom, but what are you gonna do with that extra time? How are you going to enjoy that time? What are you gonna fill it with? Maybe you need to start a new hobby. Like I did salsa dancing, right? But for me I was like wow, I had this time to really sit down and to, I got my makeup done two years ago and the makeup artist used a brush to put my face oil on kind of like a fa face lotion. But I used this argon oil that I really like 'cause I have dry skin and just putting that oil on my face with a brush just feels like so soothing.
Anna (17:48):
And so now I'll put a picture of it in the show notes. I have my little vanity and I have these two little boxes 'cause they're kind of like a minimal look <laugh>. And I just have my few makeup items. I have my little dry shampoo, I have my Q-tips, my Bobby pens. And I love my vanity and I think it's just a way for me to sit and connect with myself. And even since I've had it, like I've noticed like my daughter sits at it and I'll let her sit at it when I brush and braid her hair. And it's just been, oh my goodness, like such a blessing and there's no way I'm ever getting rid of that thing. And I think it's just another thing that I've had judgments around. Kind of like I used to judge women that like went to Pilates at 9:00 AM and now I'm that girl going to Pilates at 9:00 AM right?
Anna (18:31):
Like we just, I think at least for me, I judge the things that I need the most. So I feel like now like my meditation corner is really my way. I can connect outward, that I connect with God, that I connect with the world and now it feels like this vanity, this corner that I can connect with myself and not in like a vain way, but in a really self-caring way. And really check in with I have <laugh> this year has been tough on injuries. I think you guys know I got skin cancer the year before I broke my foot. I've been struggling with hair loss. So like there's a lot of things I do to care for my body, right? I have like these little exercises I do every day for my foot that's still healing. I have the scar tape that I wear on my forehead to reduce my scar from my incision.
Anna (19:20):
I have this cream I put on my hair for the hair loss. There's a whole regimen. Anyone else have a regimen? I take my collagen and vitamins in the morning. Like nothing makes you feel older than like a very large regimen. But like this is a nice thing about owning a business. And when I talk about a happy born dream life, that's what I mean. Like you have time for slow mornings to take care of yourself, right? Because being an adult, it's a full-time job. It's a full-time job over here, right? I have to take a, you know, two hours every week just to like manage my own personal finances. I'm like with people with traditional day jobs, like how are they finding time for this, right? It's like this week I had my kids' school conferences and a basketball tournament and like it's just life lives, right?
Anna (20:00):
Thank goodness for a business where we can work part-time anyway. But I'm just so thankful for that. I'm so thankful for that, that vanity space. And I just wanna say that to you in case you wanted to add one of those two spaces to your house. Because two years ago I didn't have either of those spaces a meditation corner or a vanity, but it's almost been for me, sometimes we have to carve a physical place to do the thing we wanna do. Like for me, having that physical place to connect with God, to connect with my higher power, right? For me, a physical place to connect and just sit with myself and to be comfortable that I didn't have to like squeeze onto the corner of the floor. Like I could sit on a chair and I could enjoy myself, right? And it didn't have to cost a lot of money.
Anna (20:44):
Like it was like a $30 mirror from Target. I reused a chair I already had. Same thing with a meditation corner. Like you don't have to purchase anything to create that space, right? I hope these concepts were helpful for you, especially if you are growing and scaling your business. If you're in the messy middle of entrepreneurship, I think these are the topics that don't get talked about enough, but really can make a difference in you being able to grow your business. Excited to share that we are in early enrollment and or bonus time for the Sell with Heart mastermind of the next round. This program sells out in advance. So I'd like to give you an opportunity to save your space in the Mastermind and if you apply, all you have to do is apply. It's absolutely free. You fill out some questions, you get some CEO breakthrough.
Anna (21:30):
Even from filling out those higher level thinking questions, you lock in a bonus one-on-one session with me for your business. Now, even though the mastermind doesn't start yet. And so I really encourage you, the mastermind sells that in advance. So save your space by applying now. And then if you decide to enroll, you get that bonus one-on-one session with me. So we can do some breakthrough, some cash infusion before you start the Mastermind and get in this messy middle season of business when you're making some money. 2K, 5K, but you're not yet making 8, 10 20 KA month. It's just messy because you're making money but not quite enough money yet to really be able to invest like you, like grow, like you, like feel time freedom, right? Like you haven't skills your business yet. So it's not really feeling rewarding, it's feeling kind of discouraging.
Anna (22:19):
And so I love to come in and to be able to help you to have conversations around selling better, refining your offer suite, being more efficient with your visibility, using your team, working your money mindset. I love all those conversations. So it's a six month program and mentorship with me. And you get lots of personal support and attention and so again, I highly encourage you to fill out that application. Now, even if you decide not to do it, it will lock in that option for you to get that bonus one-on-one session with me. And then I would love to meet with you even before we start so that you can get some of that cash infusion. I also do free clarity calls for this program. So after you apply, I will review your application and just make sure, I wanna make sure this program is what you actually need in this chapter. And if it is, I'm happy to offer you a free clarity call so we can connect and I can help you start some strategy for scaling your business and making more money in a way with lots of heart, lots of time for your family, lots of time for your hobbies, and just cannot wait to meet you and connect with you. Okay? I will put the application in the notes below. But thank you as always for tuning into the podcast. It is such an honor to have you here.
Anna (23:33):
Thanks for hanging out today. Please hit that subscribe button so you can make sure to stay updated anytime a new episode drops. And I would love for you to join me in my free Facebook community. It's called The Heart-Centered Entrepreneur. We discuss the podcast episodes. I regularly go live and do free trainings and you may even meet your newest biz bestie, so you can join at heart-centered community. com. It's absolutely free and I cannot wait to see you in there.
PS: In the midst of this challenging time I’ve been asking myself what I can do to help? One of the #1 ways I support my clients is by helping them simplify their business so that they can increase the flow of money without creating extra work. In this season simplified visibility and sales is needed more than ever.
So if you’re craving personal support as you reposition your free and paid work, I’d love to help you simplify your sales process so that you can produce income in your business even during a challenging time. If you want support you can check out my services and book a free discovery call here, or you can send me a DM on Instagram.